It's been a while since my last post. Mostly because it has been a difficult few weeks.
I've been through difficult periods of time in my life before. But I don't think I've been through a time where it seems like every time I turn around something else adds to the tension. My health, my husband's (lack of) job, my oxygen condenser that allows me to breathe more than doubling our electricity bill, red tape with my husband's employment insurance, and the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - one of our indoor cats escaped and is missing. Honestly, that's the short list.
When our cat, Cookie, went missing, it broke me. I was so discouraged. Emotionally, I could handle the illness, and the financial stress (mostly), but Cookie being missing was too much. Yes, she is “just” a cat. In the grand plan of God's kingdom, she is probably a pretty minor blip (if she counts as a blip at all). But she is still one of His creations. I love her. She is a sweet cat who cuddles up with me. And by “sweet” I mean stubborn and by “cuddle” I mean lay on top of me in such a way as to inflict the most pain possible with four paws (she's a big girl). But I have been training her to lay beside me instead of on top of me. She almost has it, too. It's only been seven years, she's bound to figure it out soon (or more accurately, deign to do as I want rather than as she pleases). I really miss her and it breaks my heart to think of her alone and scared in the big wide world.
Getting back to the point, I have spent the last few weeks feeling very discouraged and just plain weary. I hadn't lost faith, I knew God could meet my needs. It was more of a question of how and when and what more can go wrong before then? It felt like things were just going to keep getting worse and worse forever. It didn't help that while I could see how God could use illness and financial struggles to His glory, turning the 'bad' into 'good', but how could He use a missing cat? What could be His purpose in that? I'm not going to pretend to know.
And so, I struggled. I cried daily. I felt hopeless. There was a disconnect inside me between what I knew God could do and what it felt like He was (or was not) doing. I was desperate and didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could do. I prayed. I don't think they were very effectual prayers because my attitude was not what it should be and God began revealing to me the errors in my thinking (but that requires a post all of its own). But God still heard me.
He let me know He heard me in a couple of ways. The first was in church. Let me say, from the beginning of this difficult time in our lives our church has been amazing. From prayers to practical help to moral support, they have lovingly given it all. I don't think I'd have made it this far without them and I pray God blesses each one of them for it. But on this particular Sunday, I didn't feel much like going to church. I felt like hiding from the world and pretending it didn't exist. But I knew (through the Holy Spirit's leading) that church was the best place for me and exactly where I needed to be. So, I dragged myself out of bed and went. I cried my way through that service. From the song choices during worship to the sermon, God spoke to my heart - reaffirming God's love and strength to see us through. I could rely on God, I could trust Him. It helped, but it didn't make everything better. I still felt fragile, that I could break again at any moment, and maybe, this time, I couldn't be put back together.
Once more I cried out to God and poured out the worry and pain in my heart into His capable care. In the quiet of the night, while the rest of the world slept, I cried and talked with God. He answered me with fragments of verses and phrases I'd heard many times before in the Bible. Thanks once more to the wonder of the internet I was able to look up the verses:
Matthew 6:25-34 New International Version (NIV)
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
There were two things that struck me most out of this passage (though there is a lot going on there). The first was that if God looks after the birds and flowers (verses 26 and 28), He's looking out for cats too. As one of His creations, Cookie is in God's care too. That is comforting. Whether we find her safe and sound (I hold out hope that we do) or not, she is in God's hands. I don't have to carry the weight of worry on me. As one of His creations, she has always been His.
The second thing that struck me was the second half of verse 32, "your heavenly Father knows that you need them." Okay, this is pretty basic stuff, I mean I know this! Right? Yet it hit me hard... like God was saying, 'Relax, I know what you need, I got this.’ I don't have to worry because God already knows what I need! Yes, He still wants us to bring our cares to Him (Philippians 4:6-7), but if in my humanness I don't, He still knows. I'm not sure why I found this so startling, and comforting. It's not something new to me. But it was a timely reminder.
Sometimes when we are struggling we start to feel like the only one who has ever experienced this and no one understands. We feel invisible. At least, I do. And right then, I think I had been feeling invisible to God, too. But when I read that God knows what I need, I knew I was not invisible. God cares (verse 26 says I'm valuable) and He knows. I can leave it with Him. I did leave it with Him.
