God spoke to me this morning. It started before church. We were early, so I was sitting in the parking lot enjoying the beautiful day. The sun was shining, the leaves were rustling in the breeze, the birds were chirping, and faintly, I could hear the worship team practising. It was tranquil. Peaceful. I was filled with awe of God's creation and thanksgiving that I could experience it. And God spoke to my soul. Then, during worship service, He spoke again. I knew. It was certain. I had a purpose. He wants me to share my journey with you. The joy was overwhelming, and I cried. (I cry a lot.)
Now, as I sit here writing, the fear and uncertainty have taken hold. But I endeavour to walk in obedience. So, I write and share with you.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
First, a little background information about my situation. Not long ago, what started out as a routine trip to the doctor, ended with my hospitalisation and with a diagnosis of a congenital hole in my heart and pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure within the blood vessels in the lungs). I spent a total of four weeks in the hospital. For the first two weeks, I was in a hospital within my own community and the other two in a hospital in another city a few hours away.
For the first week in the distant hospital, my husband was able to stay with me but then had to return home for work. I had some family members within travelling distance who visited when they could, but they too had work and commitments that kept them from visiting every day. Therefore, I spent a good deal of the final week alone.
I hope you're still reading because we're getting to the good part. I'm not ashamed to admit I spent a good portion of that final week in tears. There was a lot to take in and I missed my husband terribly. So there I was, in hospital on my 43rd birthday, alone. (Yes, I was feeling a bit -ok, a lot, sorry for myself.) As I cried, I prayed.
First, the Holy Spirit reminded me that God is always with me, and therefore I was not truly alone (see Hebrews 13:5). But more importantly, you see, I had realised something. A congenital hole in my heart means that I have had this problem since birth. If this is something that I have always had then that means this moment has always been part of God's plan for my life. Well, what was I supposed to do with that?
And then, in my quiet hospital room, between my sobs, I heard the dear sweet whisper of God's voice in my heart. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I had heard the words before and knew they were from the Bible (I have always struggled with remembering verse locations. It was the bane of my youthful existence when memorising verses for Sunday school). But, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I was able to look the verses up: Psalm 139:13-16. (Quoted below in New King James Version)
Those few verses spoke a world to me.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
Before I was born, while I was still being formed, God was there. He knew there was a hole in my heart… He put it there. Purposefully and with love, knowing his plan for my future.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvellous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Wait, what? Do you see that first line there? I will praise you… today as I read this, I can say it is true. I do praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made - hole in the heart and all. His works are marvellous, and my soul does know it very well (this is what I felt this morning before church). I'm not sure I could say the same when I read it the first time in my hospital room.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
When I was fashioned I was not hidden from God, I was skillfully wrought! Skillfully! It wasn't a mistake, an error nor a booboo. I am a piece of fine craftsmanship. All this, right here. Boom. As God intended.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
God saw me. He still does. He planned the days of my life before I even had a life. Yup, this illness. Planned. Seen.
Ok, I haven't even got to the goose-pimply, God is so awesome part of my story yet. You see, two days after my birthday (on a Saturday), I was discharged from the hospital. The next week, in the mail I get a lovely get well card from an acquaintance. And what, had this lovely woman put on my card, but a suggestion to read Psalm 139. Yes, as best as I can guess, given our postal system, around the time God was whispering a verse to my heart, He was also whispering to another's heart. He wanted to make sure I heard and knew without a doubt this was His message to me.
Some of you reading this are probably scratching your head about now. If God planned my illness, why aren't I angry? Why, instead, am I..well, excited (and admittedly nervous, and a little scared at the places God is taking me -like writing this). You see, because it is part of His greater plan. It's not bad luck, it’s not bad genes, it's not punishment, nor anything else people tend to blame 'bad’ things on. It is a learning and growing experience. It is a plan. Plans have a purpose.
I'm almost done, I promise. Here's the most important bit. God knew me before I was born, I was fearfully, wonderfully and skillfully made. Guess what? So were you. God made you just as you are. He planned the days of your life. He knows your bones (verse 15 calls it your frame). He knows you inside and out. He knows your heart (in verse 13 the word for 'inward parts’ can be used metaphorically to refer to one’s heart). He knows the good, the bad and the ugly. And you know what? He loves you anyway. He loves me anyway, too.
You know those ugly bits? The “holes” in our hearts? The ones we try to hide- from ourselves, each other and from God. (And I'm not talking physical features here.) Yup, he sees them. If you read the rest of Psalm 139 you'll find out we can't hide from God. He sees everything. But He has a plan for that. It's called salvation (big fancy word, but the truth is simple, read on!) He saw those ugly bits of us and made a plan. He sent His son, Jesus (John 3:16 and Romans 5:8 ). And Jesus took all those ugly bits (more commonly called sin) on himself. Then He was tortured and died (trust me, this hole in the heart thing I'm going through is nothing in comparison to what Jesus Christ went through for us). The best thing yet is He rose from the dead on the third day. He conquered death. He paid the price for all the sin of the world. All we have to do is accept His gift. (See Romans 10:9).
If you're curious, you can read more about Christ's gift here.
This, my friends, is just the start of the journey. There is more to come, I know. I invite you to continue with me and see where God is leading.
Wait, what? Do you see that first line there? I will praise you… today as I read this, I can say it is true. I do praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made - hole in the heart and all. His works are marvellous, and my soul does know it very well (this is what I felt this morning before church). I'm not sure I could say the same when I read it the first time in my hospital room.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
When I was fashioned I was not hidden from God, I was skillfully wrought! Skillfully! It wasn't a mistake, an error nor a booboo. I am a piece of fine craftsmanship. All this, right here. Boom. As God intended.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
God saw me. He still does. He planned the days of my life before I even had a life. Yup, this illness. Planned. Seen.
Ok, I haven't even got to the goose-pimply, God is so awesome part of my story yet. You see, two days after my birthday (on a Saturday), I was discharged from the hospital. The next week, in the mail I get a lovely get well card from an acquaintance. And what, had this lovely woman put on my card, but a suggestion to read Psalm 139. Yes, as best as I can guess, given our postal system, around the time God was whispering a verse to my heart, He was also whispering to another's heart. He wanted to make sure I heard and knew without a doubt this was His message to me.
Some of you reading this are probably scratching your head about now. If God planned my illness, why aren't I angry? Why, instead, am I..well, excited (and admittedly nervous, and a little scared at the places God is taking me -like writing this). You see, because it is part of His greater plan. It's not bad luck, it’s not bad genes, it's not punishment, nor anything else people tend to blame 'bad’ things on. It is a learning and growing experience. It is a plan. Plans have a purpose.
I'm almost done, I promise. Here's the most important bit. God knew me before I was born, I was fearfully, wonderfully and skillfully made. Guess what? So were you. God made you just as you are. He planned the days of your life. He knows your bones (verse 15 calls it your frame). He knows you inside and out. He knows your heart (in verse 13 the word for 'inward parts’ can be used metaphorically to refer to one’s heart). He knows the good, the bad and the ugly. And you know what? He loves you anyway. He loves me anyway, too.
You know those ugly bits? The “holes” in our hearts? The ones we try to hide- from ourselves, each other and from God. (And I'm not talking physical features here.) Yup, he sees them. If you read the rest of Psalm 139 you'll find out we can't hide from God. He sees everything. But He has a plan for that. It's called salvation (big fancy word, but the truth is simple, read on!) He saw those ugly bits of us and made a plan. He sent His son, Jesus (John 3:16 and Romans 5:8 ). And Jesus took all those ugly bits (more commonly called sin) on himself. Then He was tortured and died (trust me, this hole in the heart thing I'm going through is nothing in comparison to what Jesus Christ went through for us). The best thing yet is He rose from the dead on the third day. He conquered death. He paid the price for all the sin of the world. All we have to do is accept His gift. (See Romans 10:9).
If you're curious, you can read more about Christ's gift here.
This, my friends, is just the start of the journey. There is more to come, I know. I invite you to continue with me and see where God is leading.
No comments:
Post a Comment