Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and I would like to take the opportunity to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for. There is so much to be thankful for, it would make for a very long post! So, here is a small sampling.

Things for which I am Thankful

Christ’s Sacrifice on the Cross

Sometimes, I take this one for granted - Christ has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But without Christ, none of the other things I’m thankful for would be possible.

The Blessing of Friends and Family

God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, whom I would be lost without. Robert is the greatest blessing God has given me. God has also blessed me with family and friends that care about me, and let me care for them. I am thankful for each one of them. 

God’s Faithfulness

In my last post, I spoke about how I recently went through a time of discouragement and how God encouraged me and gave me peace through His word. The bills and rent for the month have been paid, in the quiet way God often works. Somehow, the dollars stretched and when it was needed the money was there in the bank. God’s timing is perfect. He is with us through it all.

God’s Provision of my Daily Human Physical Needs

With my husband out of work (and my illness prohibiting me from working), this has been a big one for me. We’ve been through tough times before, but I don’t think there has ever been a point in my life where I have had to rely on God quite so completely. One of my daily prayers has been, ‘Lord, fill the fridge with good, healthy food’. (One of the struggles of having a small budget, is that often the cheap food is highly processed, high in salt - which is something I am supposed to avoid. The food bank does not have a ‘low sodium’ option.) I am thankful for how God has kept us going, through gifts from the church, people who have given us meals and food, the food bank, and the people in our community who offer their surplus fruit for free. Let me share with you, today, our church family gave us a huge gift and were once again God’s instruments in blessing us. It had been announced for the past couple weeks that our church was going to make a Thanksgiving donation to the food bank, asking that people bring fresh food items (the type that would last a while, like root vegetables, etc.) for a display for the service (I wish I’d thought to take a picture). Then during this morning’s service, it was announced that they would be giving the food as a blessing to a family… us! I, of course, cried. So, we came home with a car full of fresh food and vegetables. God answers prayer! Abundantly! 

The Opportunity to Grow Closer in Relationship with God. 

This one is huge. For most of us, growth requires some sort of discomfort - something to take us out of our comfort zone. Well, believe me, I am uncomfortable. But I am thankful. I can see, and feel the growth in my relationship with God. The peace He’s given me is beyond anything I’ve experienced before. While the situation is difficult, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world.

The Opportunity to Share with Others what I am Learning

Beyond just my own growth in Christ, the opportunity to share with others through this blog, and any other opportunities God puts in my path, adds to the meaning of going through these difficulties. If my experiences help to encourage others, then it has been more than worth it. I love connecting heart to heart with people, and many times God has brought people into my life who have been through similar experiences and have blessed me with their unique ability to understand where I was. I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to bless others in a similar way. 

Our Church

I am thankful for all of God’s people, who love and are in a relationship with Christ. But specifically, I am thankful for our little group of believers who meet each week. They have been such a blessing to us. Not just in meeting our physical needs, but emotional and spiritual as well. I fell in love with this church the first time we visited. God is doing something special here. I am excited and thankful to be part of it.

I can Give the Glory to God. 

This is the point. I can’t take any credit for anything. I don’t think I would have made it through my teen years without Christ, let alone made it to my forties (and hopefully further). My worst day or my best day are only better because of God. I can’t imagine life without Him and I don’t want to. My God is awesome. He’s all powerful, all knowing, ruler of the universe - and He loves me (and you) as an individual. He is my Heavenly Father. I pray that His glory shines through my words and into your heart.

Relax, I Got This

It's been a while since my last post. Mostly because it has been a difficult few weeks. 

I've been through difficult periods of time in my life before. But I don't think I've been through a time where it seems like every time I turn around something else adds to the tension. My health, my husband's (lack of) job, my oxygen condenser that allows me to breathe more than doubling our electricity bill, red tape with my husband's employment insurance, and the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - one of our indoor cats escaped and is missing. Honestly, that's the short list. 

When our cat, Cookie, went missing, it broke me. I was so discouraged. Emotionally, I could handle the illness, and the financial stress (mostly), but Cookie being missing was too much. Yes, she is “just” a cat. In the grand plan of God's kingdom, she is probably a pretty minor blip (if she counts as a blip at all). But she is still one of His creations. I love her. She is a sweet cat who cuddles up with me. And by “sweet” I mean stubborn and by “cuddle” I mean lay on top of me in such a way as to inflict the most pain possible with four paws (she's a big girl). But I have been training her to lay beside me instead of on top of me. She almost has it, too. It's only been seven years, she's bound to figure it out soon (or more accurately, deign to do as I want rather than as she pleases). I really miss her and it breaks my heart to think of her alone and scared in the big wide world. 

Getting back to the point, I have spent the last few weeks feeling very discouraged and just plain weary. I hadn't lost faith, I knew God could meet my needs. It was more of a question of how and when and what more can go wrong before then? It felt like things were just going to keep getting worse and worse forever. It didn't help that while I could see how God could use illness and financial struggles to His glory, turning the 'bad' into 'good', but how could He use a missing cat? What could be His purpose in that? I'm not going to pretend to know. 

And so, I struggled. I cried daily. I felt hopeless. There was a disconnect inside me between what I knew God could do and what it felt like He was (or was not) doing. I was desperate and didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could do. I prayed. I don't think they were very effectual prayers because my attitude was not what it should be and God began revealing to me the errors in my thinking (but that requires a post all of its own). But God still heard me. 

He let me know He heard me in a couple of ways. The first was in church. Let me say, from the beginning of this difficult time in our lives our church has been amazing. From prayers to practical help to moral support, they have lovingly given it all. I don't think I'd have made it this far without them and I pray God blesses each one of them for it. But on this particular Sunday, I didn't feel much like going to church. I felt like hiding from the world and pretending it didn't exist. But I knew (through the Holy Spirit's leading) that church was the best place for me and exactly where I needed to be. So, I dragged myself out of bed and went. I cried my way through that service. From the song choices during worship to the sermon, God spoke to my heart - reaffirming God's love and strength to see us through. I could rely on God, I could trust Him. It helped, but it didn't make everything better. I still felt fragile, that I could break again at any moment, and maybe, this time, I couldn't be put back together.

Then one night, I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about how we were going to pay the rent next month, the electricity bill, buy food… and all the rest of it. It was raining and I started to think about Cookie, alone and wet and miserable out in the night. There is nothing sadder than a wet cat and it pained my heart to think of Cookie like that. 

Once more I cried out to God and poured out the worry and pain in my heart into His capable care. In the quiet of the night, while the rest of the world slept, I cried and talked with God. He answered me with fragments of verses and phrases I'd heard many times before in the Bible. Thanks once more to the wonder of the internet I was able to look up the verses:

Matthew 6:25-34  New International Version (NIV)

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

There were two things that struck me most out of this passage (though there is a lot going on there). The first was that if God looks after the birds and flowers (verses 26 and 28), He's looking out for cats too. As one of His creations, Cookie is in God's care too. That is comforting. Whether we find her safe and sound (I hold out hope that we do) or not, she is in God's hands. I don't have to carry the weight of worry on me. As one of His creations, she has always been His. 

The second thing that struck me was the second half of verse 32, "your heavenly Father knows that you need them." Okay, this is pretty basic stuff, I mean I know this! Right? Yet it hit me hard... like God was saying, 'Relax, I know what you need, I got this.’ I don't have to worry because God already knows what I need! Yes, He still wants us to bring our cares to Him (Philippians 4:6-7), but if in my humanness I don't, He still knows. I'm not sure why I found this so startling, and comforting. It's not something new to me. But it was a timely reminder. 

Sometimes when we are struggling we start to feel like the only one who has ever experienced this and no one understands. We feel invisible. At least, I do. And right then, I think I had been feeling invisible to God, too. But when I read that God knows what I need, I knew I was not invisible. God cares (verse 26 says I'm valuable) and He knows. I can leave it with Him. I did leave it with Him.

I still don't know how we're going to pay off the electricity bill, or come up with all of the rent money, or what's going to happen with my health, but I am at peace. I can only give God the credit.

Count it all Joy

I have been working on this post for weeks. I kept starting but it just didn't seem to be coming out right. So, I stopped to ponder and pray about it. I think the problem was that I was approaching it as “here's a lesson I've learned”. But I haven't learned it. However, I am learning it. It is an active process, not something that is done and complete. I am not sure it ever will be. This is something I will have to relearn each and every day.

There have been two short passages that have spoken to me recently:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 New International Version (NIV)
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

James 1:2-4 New International Version (NIV)
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..

I've read and heard these verses all my life. The concept of being joyful and thankful in all of life's circumstances - good and bad, is not a new one. And it is one that I always gave a passing nod. Yes, yes, of course, I rejoice and give thanks for my trials, because I'm supposed to. Not because I am particularly joyful, or thankful. In fact, I am often the opposite.

My husband and I have been going through a difficult time in our lives. Not just with my health problems, but a few weeks after I came home from the hospital, my husband lost his job. I am unable to work because of my health, and my husband not working left us in further financial distress. While we live in Canada and health care is (sort of) free, there are still costs associated with my treatment that are not covered. In the midst of this, I feel the Holy Spirit's conviction that I should rejoice and be thankful. Really? God’s way does not always make sense to our human nature. It seems illogical that there should be joyousness and thankfulness in the midst of trials. Yet we are admonished to rejoice and give thanks in all things. I find I certainly require God’s help with this. And the best thing is, He gives it. And He has been giving me plenty of opportunities to practice.

As I am trying to fully understand and apply this to my life, I have done a little bit of research on the above verses. I read a few commentaries on the verses, compared versions of the bible, prayed and tried to listen. And I think I learned a few things.

First, Paul and James are not talking about an emotion here, but an attitude. Emotions are ethereal things, they are flighty, come and go. But our attitude is much more permanent and under our control.

There was a moment, not too long ago, when my attitude was not particularly thankful. You see, I was whining about dinner. There was food in the fridge, but it wasn’t something I particularly liked and there wasn’t really a choice of much else to eat. It wasn’t what I wanted so, I whined to my husband. Instantly I was convicted by the Holy Spirit. (I realize some of you reading this may not be Christians, and may not understand that statement. I am not certain that I can explain it in a way that is succinct and adequate so that you understand, or that is theologically sound, but I will try. When Jesus died, rose from the dead and returned to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit (part of the Trinity - i.e. part of God himself) to be the direct link between us and God. The Holy Spirit allows for communication and personal relationship with God. For me, in this instance, it was like a foreign thought in my mind. A thought that occurred to me, but totally surprised me in such a way that I didn’t feel it was my own thought. Normally this is not how the Holy Spirit communicates with me, but in this instance it was very clear.)

Back to my story… So, I was whining and felt convicted… at least I had food and wasn’t eating dirt cookies. However hard off I am in comparison to other Canadians, I am far better off than millions of other people in the world. And I am whining? Perhaps, instead, I should be thankful that I live in a country where being poor means that you have food to eat. I could also be worse off than I am, I could be homeless and living on the streets. Perhaps instead of focusing on what I don’t have, I should be focusing on what I do have. Count your blessings, anyone?

Second, take another look at James 1, verses 3 and 4. Trials lead to perseverance (translated as endurance or patience in some versions) and perseverance leads to becoming “mature and complete”. So we are to count trials as joy because they lead to spiritual maturity. We are to be thankful and to rejoice because we know the purpose - spiritual maturity. So, what I take away from this is that trials are an opportunity to learn and grow. Furthermore, my trials may be an opportunity for others to learn and grow as well. Humans are relational beings. We were created for relationship - with God and each other. Nothing that affects me will ever only affect me. It will touch the lives of people around me as well. So when I rejoice in my trials, I not only rejoice for what God is doing in my life, but for the opportunity it provides for God to work in other’s lives as well. And frankly, this idea excites me! God is at work, not just in me but through me! I am excited and humbled in one.

Third, we have hope in knowing that whatever trials we are facing, God is at work for our best interest (Romans 8:28). If God is working for our best, then why shouldn't we rejoice and be thankful? We have the assurance that whatever difficulty we are facing, God is looking out for us. That doesn't mean He will wave a magic wand and make everything lovely because that wouldn't lead to spiritual maturity. The same way a parent who gives a child their every whim does not end up with a mature adult, but a spoiled child. God wants us to grow and become spiritually mature, and that means we need to do some learning.

Some of you might be thinking “spiritual maturity, blah blah, blah. I'd rather stay immature and have fewer trials”. I get that, sort of. But to go back to the spoiled child analogy, children who have had their every whim fulfilled generally aren't very happy adults, and when they meet the littlest bump in the road they can't cope. Same goes of spiritual maturity. When we face those trials (and we will, everyone does, it's part of life - we all get sick, have stresses, eventually die) if we are spiritually mature, we have a deep enough faith and relationship with God to weather the storm. We know He is with us. Trials are still hard, they still hurt, they still, well… suck. But we aren't alone. We have the almighty, all-powerful, awesome God of the universe on our side, working for our best. Who wouldn't be thankful, awed and joyful in that?!

Lastly, our trials provide opportunities for God to be glorified. I think sometimes, for non-believers, this statement can make it sound like God is egotistical and wants all the accolades for himself. This is not the God I know (though, truthfully He deserves all the accolades!) God being glorified allows for others to see Him as He is. It's like shining a big spotlight on God so that those who don’t know Him can seem Him for who He is - all powerful, all knowing, creator of the universe who loves us as individuals so much that He died for us. He sees into our lives, into who we are… and loves us. Values us. Whether he approves of our actions or not, He loves us. So, even when I’m being a whiny child about what’s on the menu for dinner… God loves me.

This post is getting long, but let me close by sharing one of the ways God has given me to practice thankfulness. Part of my treatment for pulmonary hypertension includes the use of a bi-pap machine - something that is not covered under regular medical and has a price tag around $3500. My husband and I could not afford to purchase a machine, even when he was working, and certainly not after he lost his job. It was important that I had this machine for while I sleep my O² levels drop dangerously low (even on oxygen therapy) if I do not use the bi-pap machine. I was sent home from the hospital with one on loan, with the understanding that we would need to purchase one. As we explored ways to finance purchasing one, we kept hitting brick walls. We didn’t seem to qualify for any of the assistance programs available. The situation was looking quite bleak. The pastor of our church volunteered to set up a go-fund-me page and see where God took it. Within a couple weeks, we had raised half the money required. The number of people who donated was overwhelming. Not only friends and family, internet friends (whom I’d never met in person), friends of friends and family whom I’d never met, all gave generously. The fund plateaued for a few weeks, and then an anonymous donor got in touch with our pastor and volunteered to cover the remaining cost! I thank God for each loving and generous person who contributed towards the purchase of this machine for me. God’s timing is perfect. When I contacted the company to purchase the machine, they said that the timing was just right as they could give me a 25% discount (so the anonymous donor didn’t have to give as much as they had originally expected).

I’m not going to lie, these past few months have been hard and there are more hard days ahead. There are days where I just want to curl up in a little ball in bed, pull the blankets over my head and stay there. There are days when I am clinging desperately to the assurance that God has a plan, and I would be hard pressed to say I am thankful for the situation nor do I feel like rejoicing. But I am learning to be thankful in these situations, to rejoice in the opportunities they bring and to rely on God for the strength to carry on.

The Beginning of the Journey

God spoke to me this morning. It started before church. We were early, so I was sitting in the parking lot enjoying the beautiful day. The sun was shining, the leaves were rustling in the breeze, the birds were chirping, and faintly, I could hear the worship team practising. It was tranquil. Peaceful. I was filled with awe of God's creation and thanksgiving that I could experience it. And God spoke to my soul. Then, during worship service, He spoke again. I knew. It was certain. I had a purpose. He wants me to share my journey with you. The joy was overwhelming, and I cried. (I cry a lot.)

Now, as I sit here writing, the fear and uncertainty have taken hold. But I endeavour to walk in obedience. So, I write and share with you.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

First, a little background information about my situation. Not long ago, what started out as a routine trip to the doctor, ended with my hospitalisation and with a diagnosis of a congenital hole in my heart and pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure within the blood vessels in the lungs). I spent a total of four weeks in the hospital. For the first two weeks, I was in a hospital within my own community and the other two in a hospital in another city a few hours away.

For the first week in the distant hospital, my husband was able to stay with me but then had to return home for work. I had some family members within travelling distance who visited when they could, but they too had work and commitments that kept them from visiting every day. Therefore, I spent a good deal of the final week alone.

I hope you're still reading because we're getting to the good part. I'm not ashamed to admit I spent a good portion of that final week in tears. There was a lot to take in and I missed my husband terribly. So there I was, in hospital on my 43rd birthday, alone. (Yes, I was feeling a bit -ok, a lot, sorry for myself.) As I cried, I prayed.

First, the Holy Spirit reminded me that God is always with me, and therefore I was not truly alone (see Hebrews 13:5). But more importantly, you see, I had realised something. A congenital hole in my heart means that I have had this problem since birth. If this is something that I have always had then that means this moment has always been part of God's plan for my life. Well, what was I supposed to do with that?

And then, in my quiet hospital room, between my sobs, I heard the dear sweet whisper of God's voice in my heart. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I had heard the words before and knew they were from the Bible (I have always struggled with remembering verse locations. It was the bane of my youthful existence when memorising verses for Sunday school). But, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I was able to look the verses up: Psalm 139:13-16. (Quoted below in New King James Version)

Those few verses spoke a world to me.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.

Before I was born, while I was still being formed, God was there. He knew there was a hole in my heart… He put it there. Purposefully and with love, knowing his plan for my future.

14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

Marvellous are Your works, 

And that my soul knows very well.

Wait, what? Do you see that first line there? I will praise you… today as I read this, I can say it is true. I do praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made - hole in the heart and all. His works are marvellous, and my soul does know it very well (this is what I felt this morning before church). I'm not sure I could say the same when I read it the first time in my hospital room.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

When I was fashioned I was not hidden from God, I was skillfully wrought! Skillfully! It wasn't a mistake, an error nor a booboo. I am a piece of fine craftsmanship. All this, right here. Boom. As God intended.

16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

God saw me. He still does. He planned the days of my life before I even had a life. Yup, this illness. Planned. Seen.

Ok, I haven't even got to the goose-pimply, God is so awesome part of my story yet. You see, two days after my birthday (on a Saturday), I was discharged from the hospital. The next week, in the mail I get a lovely get well card from an acquaintance. And what, had this lovely woman put on my card, but a suggestion to read Psalm 139. Yes, as best as I can guess, given our postal system, around the time God was whispering a verse to my heart, He was also whispering to another's heart. He wanted to make sure I heard and knew without a doubt this was His message to me.

Some of you reading this are probably scratching your head about now. If God planned my illness, why aren't I angry? Why, instead, am I..well, excited (and admittedly nervous, and a little scared at the places God is taking me -like writing this). You see, because it is part of His greater plan. It's not bad luck, it’s not bad genes, it's not punishment, nor anything else people tend to blame 'bad’ things on. It is a learning and growing experience. It is a plan. Plans have a purpose.

I'm almost done, I promise. Here's the most important bit. God knew me before I was born, I was fearfully, wonderfully and skillfully made. Guess what? So were you. God made you just as you are. He planned the days of your life. He knows your bones (verse 15 calls it your frame). He knows you inside and out. He knows your heart (in verse 13 the word for 'inward parts’ can be used metaphorically to refer to one’s heart). He knows the good, the bad and the ugly. And you know what? He loves you anyway. He loves me anyway, too.

You know those ugly bits? The “holes” in our hearts? The ones we try to hide- from ourselves, each other and from God. (And I'm not talking physical features here.) Yup, he sees them. If you read the rest of Psalm 139 you'll find out we can't hide from God. He sees everything. But He has a plan for that. It's called salvation (big fancy word, but the truth is simple, read on!) He saw those ugly bits of us and made a plan. He sent His son, Jesus (John 3:16 and Romans 5:8 ). And Jesus took all those ugly bits (more commonly called sin) on himself. Then He was tortured and died (trust me, this hole in the heart thing I'm going through is nothing in comparison to what Jesus Christ went through for us). The best thing yet is He rose from the dead on the third day. He conquered death. He paid the price for all the sin of the world. All we have to do is accept His gift. (See Romans 10:9).

If you're curious, you can read more about Christ's gift here.

This, my friends, is just the start of the journey. There is more to come, I know. I invite you to continue with me and see where God is leading.